When He Wants to Give—and She Can’t Receive

It may be affecting our relationships far more deeply than we realize.

A few days ago, I wrote to you about the elusive art of receiving.

And there is another part of this that has been weighing on my heart.

We tend to think about our ability to receive in terms of what it does to us—or rather, for us.

How exhausting it is to always be the one doing. The resentment we can feel about that.

• Giving.

• Managing.

• Anticipating.

• Making things happen.

• Holding everything together.

But what does our inability to receive do to the masculine?

Because if one of the fundamental qualities of the masculine is to give, to provide, to contribute, to protect, to make a difference —

what happens when there is no one there to truly receive it?

What happens to a man when the woman he loves doesn't really know how to receive from him?

And I don't just mean receiving gifts.

I mean receiving him.

• His help.

• His affection.

• His attention.

• His ideas.

• His efforts.

• His desire to contribute.

• His attempts to make you happy.

• His lovemaking.

• His love.

What happens when he reaches toward you and, without even realizing it, you continually meet him by doing more yourself?

• Or correcting how he does it.

• Or anticipating what needs to happen before he has the chance.

• Or telling him what to do.

• Or giving back immediately because simply receiving feels uncomfortable.

• Or brushing off a compliment.

• Or saying, “You don't have to do that.”

• Or taking over because it is easier and faster to do it yourself.

What does that do to the masculine over time?

I think this question goes much deeper than we realize.

Because I don't think most men consciously walk around thinking:

“My woman isn't receiving me, and I am deeply frustrated by it.”

They might not have words for it at all.

They may simply know that something doesn't feel good.

That they somehow feel out of place, unappreciated.

That there doesn't seem to be much room for them.

Something feels frustrating.

Something makes them stop trying.

Something makes them pull away.

Something makes being with you feel like there is no place for them to land.

And you, on the other side, may have absolutely no idea what happened either.

You may be thinking:

• “Why doesn't he do anything anymore?”

• “Why doesn't he initiate?”

• “Why doesn't he make an effort?”

• “Why do I have to do everything?”

• “Why doesn't he bring me roses anymore?”

And so you do even more.

You give more.

You manage more.

You become increasingly frustrated that he isn't stepping forward.

And he becomes increasingly frustrated because there seems to be less and less room for him to step forward.

I wonder how much of the struggle between women and men lives right there.

Not because you are doing something wrong.

And not because he is doing something wrong.

But because you may be caught in a dynamic neither one of you fully understands.

If you are unknowingly informed by inherited patterns that block you from receiving, you will naturally act in accordance with what those patterns have taught you:

• I have to take care of everything.

• I can't depend on anyone.

• It is easier to do it myself.

• If I don't make it happen, it won't happen.

And if he repeatedly experiences that there is no real place for what he wants to give, he may eventually stop offering it.

• He may pull back more and more.

• Into his man cave.

• Into work.

• Into his own world.

• Sometimes, perhaps, into the attention of another woman.

And then you experience him as passive, distant, selfish, or uninterested.

Which can send you down a rabbit hole in no time.

You feel even less safe relying on him, so you do even more.

And he may be experiencing you as controlling, critical, impossible to please, or simply exhausting to be around.

And this is where I think receiving becomes much more than a lovely feminine concept.

It becomes a relationship issue, possibly a very profound one.

Because what if some of the frustration we see between men and women is actually the frustration of what happens when he wants to give—and she can’t receive?

This is why I believe we have to become curious about what is happening underneath—the patterns that, unbeknownst to you, may be running the show.

Imagine what might become possible between you if that dynamic began to change.